11 days until Christmas.



Some funny quotes:

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

"Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but they think of it as the only time of the month that they can be themselves" --Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." --Ronald Reagan